DivorceCare® is a widely recognized Christian divorce recovery program, reportedly utilized by around 10% of Protestant churches. Typically spanning 13 weeks, these programs offer support and guidance to individuals navigating the challenging journey of divorce. To locate a DivorceCare® group in your vicinity, you can use theirFind a Group tool.
Having personally facilitated DivorceCare® groups for over 15 years, across the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th editions, including a large 50-person Zoom group with the 4th edition in Spring 2021, I possess a comprehensive understanding of the program’s strengths and weaknesses. This review aims to provide a balanced perspective on Christian Divorce Care Programs, specifically focusing on DivorceCare®, to help you determine if it’s the right path for your healing journey.
Exploring the Advantages of DivorceCare® Programs
Pro #1: Accessibility in Conservative Christian Settings. One of the primary advantages of DivorceCare® is its acceptance within conservative Christian churches. In these environments, resources addressing divorce from a faith-based perspective can be limited. DivorceCare® fills this gap, offering a structured Christian curriculum where others might be scarce. Many groups foster positive environments, providing valuable fellowship and emotional support to those experiencing divorce. It’s worth noting that the curriculum is exclusively available to churches directly through Church Initiative, ensuring its intended use within a church setting.
Pro #2: Supportive Stance on Divorce for Specific Biblical Grounds. DivorceCare® effectively supports Christians who have divorced due to adultery or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, aligning with traditionally accepted biblical grounds for divorce in many conservative denominations. Given that infidelity is a leading cause of divorce, this focus is highly pertinent and beneficial for many participants. However, it’s important to acknowledge that while DivorceCare® addresses adultery and abandonment well, it may be less directly supportive for those divorced due to other serious issues such as physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, or substance abuse, which are also significant contributors to divorce.
Pro #3: Potential for Safe Spaces for Abuse Survivors, Depending on Leadership. The inclusivity of DivorceCare® for abuse survivors largely hinges on the emotional health and theological understanding of the group leader. If a leader genuinely recognizes physical and emotional abuse as valid grounds for divorce within a Christian framework, the group can become a valuable source of support and encouragement for survivors. For individuals considering joining a DivorceCare® group, proactively contacting the leader beforehand is crucial. Asking directly about their belief regarding divorce as a necessary and godly option in cases of severe abuse can provide valuable insight into the group’s suitability.
For those seeking online Christian divorce care programs, WildStream Retreat Center offers a commendable online DivorceCare® group via Zoom, known for being a safe and supportive environment for abuse survivors.
Pro #4: Online Accessibility Broadens Reach. The introduction of an online version of DivorceCare®, driven by the necessity of adapting during the COVID-19 pandemic, has significantly expanded its accessibility. Now, individuals globally can participate through streaming videos, overcoming geographical limitations and making Christian divorce care programs available to a wider audience.
Pro #5: Local Church Community Building. For those seeking connection and fellowship within their local church community, DivorceCare® presents an excellent opportunity. Participating in a group at your church can help build friendships and establish a support network within your existing faith community.
Pro #6: DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K) Curriculum. A standout feature of DivorceCare® is its DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K) curriculum. This program is specifically designed to support children navigating the complexities of divorce. The DC4K program has been praised for its effectiveness in facilitating communication and understanding within families experiencing divorce, marking a positive turning point for both parents and children.
Pro #7: A Starting Point for Those Lacking Support. For marital abuse survivors who find themselves isolated post-divorce, without emotional support or connections to specialized Christian abuse recovery networks, DivorceCare® can serve as an initial point of contact. It offers a space to share experiences and begin the healing process.
However, for deeper, specialized support, private faith-based online groups such as Natalie Hoffman’s “Flying Free,” Sarah McDugal’s “Wilderness To Wild,” Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s groups, Helena Knowlton’s “Confusion to Clarity ARISE,” and Gretchen Baskerville’s “Life-Saving Divorce” Facebook group offer more focused resources and communities.
Pro #8: Improved Handling of Abuse in the 4th Edition. The 4th edition of DivorceCare® demonstrates notable improvements in addressing physical abuse. The inclusion of interviews with law enforcement officials discussing domestic violence and emphasizing victim safety is a significant step forward. These additions provide crucial validation and practical advice for participants who have experienced marital abuse.
The 4th edition videos include important statements such as: “Going down any of these paths [coparenting, friendship, remarriage] assumes it’s safe for you to do so. Sometimes separation and divorce happens because the marriage relationship was physically dangerous or emotionally toxic. In those cases, the wisest option is to maintain distance while you carefully determine the future of the relationship.” This acknowledgment, while not explicitly endorsing divorce, validates the reality of divorce in abusive situations.
Further, the curriculum includes segments focusing on safety, featuring a family law attorney discussing toxic and emotionally abusive relationships and the importance of setting boundaries. The program also advises contacting legal authorities for protection orders and seeking legal counsel to protect children in abusive situations.
Pro #9: High-Quality Presentation and Production. DivorceCare® materials are visually appealing and professionally produced, enhancing user engagement. The curriculum’s attractive design and high video production quality contribute to a more positive and engaging learning experience. Furthermore, the program commendably advises participants to seek legal counsel to ensure fair asset division during divorce proceedings.
Pro #10: Enhanced Parenting Guidance in the 4th Edition. The 4th edition has significantly improved its parenting advice, displaying greater empathy for children’s emotional experiences and incorporating trauma-informed perspectives. While the program offers valuable guidance, there’s an opportunity to further challenge the common misconception within some Christian circles that divorce is universally detrimental to children. Research indicates that in highly toxic home environments, divorce can be a more beneficial outcome for children’s well-being. Parental behaviors associated with marital discord, particularly antisocial traits, negatively impact children’s mental health, often outweighing the perceived benefits of a two-parent household in high-conflict situations.
Addressing the Drawbacks of DivorceCare® Programs
Con #1: Limited Support for Divorce in Abuse Cases Without Leader Discretion. A significant limitation of DivorceCare® is its lack of explicit support for Christians who divorce due to physical or emotional abuse, unless the group leader and pastor actively promote a more inclusive understanding of biblical grounds for divorce. The program’s official stance does not readily accept domestic violence or addiction as biblically sound reasons for divorce or remarriage, which can be problematic and invalidating for abuse survivors. Session 12, which discusses DivorceCare’s traditionally recognized reasons for divorce, can be particularly distressing for those who have divorced due to abuse.
Con #2: Potential for Shame and Blame. DivorceCare® videos can inadvertently convey a sense of personal or spiritual failure associated with divorce, even for the innocent spouse. This underlying tone permeates the curriculum and can be triggering for individuals who divorced to escape abuse or betrayal. For those who had to initiate divorce for self-preservation, or who were victims of infidelity, the program’s implicit messaging can feel invalidating and harmful. This approach also sets a concerning precedent for pastoral counselors who may unintentionally inflict further emotional damage despite well-intentioned efforts.
Con #3: Naive View of Abuser Change and Lack of Psychological Depth. The program exhibits a somewhat unrealistic optimism regarding the likelihood of serial cheaters or chronic abusers changing their behavior. By promoting false hope of reconciliation without adequately addressing the complexities of personality disorders or deeply ingrained patterns of abuse, DivorceCare® may mislead participants. The curriculum’s noticeable absence of references to psychological research, despite the involvement of experts with Ph.D.s, is also noteworthy, potentially reflecting a bias against psychological perspectives prevalent in some conservative Christian circles.
Con #4: Overemphasis on Salvation and Lengthy Videos (in Previous Editions). Earlier editions of DivorceCare® (3rd Edition) incorporated a salvation message in each weekly session, which some found excessive. While faith is undoubtedly a source of strength and comfort during divorce, the constant evangelistic tone could feel overwhelming. Additionally, the hour-long videos in the 3rd edition were criticized for being too lengthy, limiting time for group discussion, sharing, and prayer. (The 4th edition has addressed this by shortening videos to 30 minutes and reducing the overt focus on conversion.)
Con #5: Unrealistic Expectations Regarding Ex-Spouse Relationships. Session 11 of the 4th edition, focusing on “Your Former Spouse,” can be disconnected from the realities of high-conflict divorces and custody battles experienced by many Christians. While acknowledging that some relationships are unsafe, the program still suggests striving for a “civil relationship” with an ex-spouse and offers somewhat simplistic co-parenting advice. It may not adequately address situations involving hostile ex-spouses who seek to perpetuate conflict and abuse through the legal system. While Christian principles encourage decency in interactions, controlling the behavior of another person, especially a high-conflict ex, is often impossible. In some cases, limiting or eliminating contact may be a necessary and biblically sound approach, aligning with principles of self-protection and peace. Of course, legal obligations regarding children necessitate communication on essential matters.
Con #6: Excessive Focus on Reconciliation and Self-Blame. DivorceCare® leans heavily towards reconciliation, sometimes to the detriment of acknowledging divorce as a necessary and even godly solution in severe circumstances. The program’s emphasis on marriage preservation can lead to placing undue pressure on the “innocent” spouse to examine their contributions to the marital breakdown, potentially fostering harmful self-blame, a dynamic known as “mutualizing.” While self-reflection is valuable, it’s crucial to recognize that in cases of adultery, abuse, or addiction, the responsibility for marital destruction primarily lies with the offending spouse.
Con #7: Lack of Guidance on Necessary Changes for Safe Reconciliation. DivorceCare® falls short in outlining specific behavioral and attitudinal changes that an abusive or unfaithful spouse must demonstrate before reconciliation can be considered safe or healthy. The program’s understanding of personality disorders and characterological issues associated with poor long-term outcomes, such as personality disorders or predatory behaviors, appears limited. Without careful leader intervention, this curriculum can inadvertently pressure abuse survivors towards unsafe reconciliation.
Con #8: Questionable Expertise of Some Featured Counselors. Examining the list of experts associated with DivorceCare® reveals a mix of highly qualified professionals alongside “nouthetic counselors.” Nouthetic counselors, or “biblical counselors,” typically lack the extensive training, peer-reviewed research knowledge, ethical guidelines, and supervised clinical experience of licensed counselors. Some may hold views that are not supportive of divorce even in cases of abuse, despite the prevalence of intimate partner violence within Christian marriages. Certain nouthetic counselors may encourage abuse victims to prioritize reconciliation at all costs, even overlooking patterns of destructive behavior, and some may promote hierarchical marital roles that can be detrimental in abusive situations.
Con #9: Limited Attention to Trauma. DivorceCare®’s curriculum lacks in-depth discussion of trauma, neglecting to address crucial topics such as identifying symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which is highly relevant for individuals who have experienced marital abuse or betrayal.
Con #10: Co-ed Group Format and Safety Concerns. DivorceCare® groups are typically co-ed, a format favored by the program’s founder. However, given the prevalence of intimate partner violence in Christian marriages, co-ed groups may pose safety risks. Abusive individuals, both men and women, may be present in such groups. Furthermore, some individuals within these groups may hold beliefs that minimize or excuse abusive behavior, potentially creating an unsafe environment for survivors. While leader guides recommend safety precautions, these may not be sufficient to protect participants from manipulative or harmful individuals. Single-sex groups are generally recommended to mitigate these risks.
Con #11: Bias Towards “Dumped” Narratives. DivorceCare® videos tend to feature a disproportionate number of interviews with individuals who were “dumped” in their divorces, rather than those who initiated divorce to escape destructive situations. This can create an unbalanced perspective. While some interviewees may have made positive changes since their divorce, the lack of representation of “life-saving divorce” narratives – stories of Christians who made the difficult but necessary decision to leave harmful marriages and subsequently thrived – is a significant omission.
Con #12: Controversial Session on Anger and Forgiveness. Session 3 of the 4th edition, addressing anger, presents some controversial aspects. While acknowledging the dangers of uncontrolled anger is important, the session can inadvertently discourage healthy anger as a response to abuse or betrayal. It’s valid and appropriate to experience anger towards someone who has caused significant harm. The curriculum’s potential “nouthetic counseling” influence may discourage acknowledging the full gravity of harmful behaviors. Furthermore, the concept of forgiveness is often presented in a simplistic “forgive and forget” manner, failing to recognize that forgiveness is a process, especially in cases of prolonged abuse and betrayal. However, it is positive that the session acknowledges anger towards God as a valid emotion, referencing King David’s expressions of anger in the Psalms.
Conclusion: Is DivorceCare® the Right Choice?
Would I lead DivorceCare® again? Yes, if requested by my pastor, I would consider it. However, it’s crucial for facilitators to supplement the curriculum with a more balanced perspective, particularly on sensitive topics like abuse and reconciliation. Preparing participants for potentially challenging sessions (Sessions 3 and 12) and encouraging open discussion and dissent are essential.
A Lutheran pastor’s dissertation comparing divorce recovery curricula offers valuable insights into adapting DivorceCare® for greater balance. His recommendations, found on pages 151-152, are worth considering for leaders seeking to enhance the program’s effectiveness and inclusivity.
Alternative Christian Divorce Care Program Options:
For groups seeking alternative Christian divorce care programs, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends offers a classic, comprehensive approach. Facilitators can easily integrate biblical verses, prayer, and sharing into this 22-week curriculum. Rebuilding avoids shaming messages for abuse victims and is suitable for individuals from diverse faith backgrounds.
For those interested in leading a group, my book, The Life-Saving Divorce, provides guidance based on years of experience facilitating divorce recovery groups. It addresses common misconceptions about divorce and highlights the prevalence of serious reasons for divorce within Christian communities. Free study guides and videos are available to accompany the book, making it suitable for a 9-week support group.
Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, along with its accompanying workbook, is another excellent resource for post-divorce support, focusing on establishing healthy boundaries.
Ultimately, choosing the right Christian divorce care program depends on individual needs and circumstances. DivorceCare® offers accessibility and community within a Christian framework, but it’s essential to be aware of its limitations, particularly regarding abuse and reconciliation. Supplementing the curriculum with additional resources and thoughtful leadership can enhance its value. Exploring alternative programs like Rebuilding or utilizing resources like The Life-Saving Divorce and Boundaries may provide a more comprehensive and supportive path to healing for some individuals.
Are you considering a life-saving divorce and need support and clarity? Join the private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians,” a supportive community for individuals navigating divorce from a faith-based perspective.
For further resources and support, consider exploring The Life-Saving Divorce book and signing up for email updates.
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