DivorceCare® is a widely recognized divorce recovery program, particularly within Protestant churches, with approximately 10% utilizing its curriculum. Typically spanning 13 weeks, DivorceCare aims to provide support and guidance to individuals navigating the challenging process of divorce. If you’re seeking a Divorce Care Program in your community, you can locate a group near you through their official website: https://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup.
Having personally facilitated DivorceCare groups for over 15 years, including leading a large 50-person online group using the 4th edition in 2021, I possess a comprehensive understanding of the program’s strengths and weaknesses. This review offers an in-depth look at the pros and cons of the DivorceCare program to help you determine if it’s the right fit for your divorce recovery journey.
Exploring the Advantages of DivorceCare®
Advantage #1: Conservative Christian Foundation and Community. DivorceCare stands out as a prominent Christian divorce recovery curriculum within conservative church settings. These groups often foster supportive communities and valuable fellowship for individuals experiencing divorce. The DivorceCare curriculum is exclusively available to churches directly from Church Initiative (https://store.churchinitiative.org/s.nl/it.A/id.2515/.f?sc=2&category=11), ensuring its alignment with church-based programs.
Advantage #2: Strong Support for Divorce Due to Infidelity and Abandonment. The program effectively addresses situations of divorce resulting from adultery or abandonment by a non-believing spouse. Given that infidelity is a leading cause of divorce in the US, this focus is highly relevant and supportive for many participants. While DivorceCare acknowledges these grounds, it’s worth noting that other significant reasons for divorce, such as physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, and substance abuse, may not be as comprehensively addressed within the standard curriculum.
Advantage #3: Potential for Supportive Groups for Abuse Survivors. If a DivorceCare group leader is empathetic and recognizes physical and emotional abuse as valid grounds for divorce, the group can offer a safe and encouraging environment for abuse survivors. Prior to joining a DivorceCare group, it is advisable to contact the leader (https://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup) and inquire about their stance on divorce in cases of abuse: “Do you personally believe that divorce might be a necessary option for individuals facing severe physical or emotional abuse?”.
For those seeking online options, WildStream Retreat Center (https://wildstreamretreat.org/) offers an online DivorceCare group that is known to be supportive for abuse survivors.
Advantage #4: Accessible Online Version. Responding to the need for remote access, DivorceCare now provides an online version, broadening its reach. This online divorce care program allows individuals worldwide to participate through streaming videos, increasing accessibility and convenience.
Advantage #5: Local Church Community Building. DivorceCare is an excellent choice for individuals seeking support within their local church community. It provides a platform to build friendships and connections within their existing faith fellowship during a challenging life transition.
Advantage #6: Excellent Kids Program: DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K). DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K) stands out as a highly effective program for children navigating divorce. This specialized curriculum can significantly improve family communication about divorce and was a positive turning point for my own family when my children were younger. While my experience with DC4K dates back to 1999, its positive impact remains noteworthy.
Advantage #7: Support for Abuse Survivors Lacking Alternatives. For marital abuse survivors who lack emotional support networks or access to private online Christian abuse recovery groups, DivorceCare can provide a valuable initial point of contact and a space to share their experiences.
For more specialized faith-based online support, consider exploring private groups like Natalie Hoffman’s “Flying Free”, Sarah McDugal’s “Wilderness To Wild”, Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s groups (btr.org), Helena Knowlton’s “Confusion to Clarity ARISE”, or Gretchen Baskerville’s “Life-Saving Divorce” Facebook group.
Advantage #8: Improved Abuse Awareness in the 4th Edition. The latest 4th edition of DivorceCare demonstrates significant improvement in addressing physical abuse. The videos now include interviews with law enforcement officers who discuss domestic violence and emphasize victim safety and contacting law enforcement. This edition incorporates crucial information and support for participants who have experienced marital abuse.
As highlighted in the 4th edition: “Going down any of these paths [coparenting, friendship and remarriage], of course, assumes it’s safe for you to do so. Sometimes separation and divorce happens because the marriage relationship was physically dangerous or emotionally toxic. In those cases, the wisest option is to maintain distance while you carefully determine the future the of the relationship.”
Furthermore, a title screen emphasizes “Ensure your emotional and physical safety,” and family law attorney Tiffany Lesnik shares her story, underscoring the importance of setting healthy boundaries in toxic or emotionally abusive situations. The program also directly addresses “responding to an abusive spouse” and advises contacting the courthouse for protective orders and seeking legal counsel to protect children in danger.
Advantage #9: High Production Quality and Appealing Design. DivorceCare utilizes a visually appealing and inviting curriculum with excellent video production quality. Regarding legal matters, the program appropriately advises participants to seek their rightful share of assets according to state guidelines.
Advantage #10: Enhanced Parenting Guidance in the 4th Edition. Parenting advice within the 4th edition has been significantly improved, showing greater empathy for children’s emotions and incorporating trauma-informed approaches. However, it would be beneficial for the program to further challenge the common misconception that divorce is universally detrimental to children, especially considering research indicating that in highly toxic homes, divorce can be a better outcome for children’s well-being. Research from experts like Jaffee (https://lifesavingdivorce.com/jaffee) and Wallerstein (https://lifesavingdivorce.com/wallerstein) underscores the negative impact of parents with antisocial traits and marriage-endangering behaviors on children.
Addressing the Limitations of DivorceCare®
Disadvantage #1: Limited Explicit Support for Divorce Due to Abuse. Unless the leader and pastor explicitly support divorce in abuse cases, DivorceCare may not be fully supportive for Christians who have divorced due to physical or emotional abuse. The program’s traditional stance may not fully acknowledge domestic violence or severe addictions as biblically sound reasons for divorce or remarriage. Session 12, focusing on DivorceCare’s two traditionally accepted reasons for divorce, can be emotionally challenging and even traumatizing for abuse survivors.
Disadvantage #2: Potential for Shame and Perceived Failure. The videos can inadvertently convey divorce as a personal or spiritual failure, even for the spouse who is not at fault. This underlying tone can be triggering for individuals who initiated divorce for safety or sanity reasons, or those betrayed by infidelity. This perspective may also unintentionally reinforce unhelpful approaches among pastoral counselors (https://lifesavingdivorce.com/good-vs-bad/) who may inadvertently cause further harm despite good intentions.
Disadvantage #3: Naivety Regarding Abuser Change and Lack of Psychological Depth. DivorceCare videos may exhibit a somewhat naive outlook on the likelihood of serial cheaters or chronic abusers changing their behavior, potentially fostering false hope. The curriculum strangely lacks references to psychological research, even though some experts involved hold Ph.D.s. This absence might stem from some conservative churches’ skepticism towards psychology.
Disadvantage #4: Past Overemphasis on Salvation Messages and Session Length. Previous editions (3rd Edition) included a salvation message in each session, which felt excessive. Additionally, the hour-long videos in version 3 were lengthy, limiting time for group discussion and interaction. The 4th edition has improved with shorter 30-minute videos and reduced overt emphasis on conversion in every session.
Disadvantage #5: Outdated View on High-Conflict Divorce and Co-Parenting. Session 11, “Your Former Spouse” (4th edition), appears somewhat disconnected from the realities of high-conflict divorce and custody battles faced by many Christians. While acknowledging unsafe relationships, it still suggests a “civil relationship” with an ex-spouse as a requirement and offers simplistic co-parenting advice, failing to adequately address hostile ex-spouses who may use the court system for continued abuse. While Christians are called to peace, this session may not fully recognize situations where “no contact” is a necessary and biblically sound boundary (1 Corinthians 5:11), while acknowledging necessary communication regarding children’s logistics.
Disadvantage #6: Overemphasis on Reconciliation and Mutualizing Blame. DivorceCare leans heavily toward reconciliation, without explicitly acknowledging divorce as a justifiable or even optimal solution in severe situations. The organization’s emphasis on marriage saving can inadvertently pressure the innocent spouse to take excessive responsibility for the marital breakdown, a destructive dynamic known as “mutualizing” (https://lifesavingdivorce.com/myth8/). This approach can minimize the culpability of abusers, adulterers, or those with severe character issues.
Disadvantage #7: Lack of Guidance on Necessary Changes for Reconciliation. DivorceCare does not provide a clear framework of behavioral and attitudinal changes that an abusive or destructive spouse must demonstrate before reconciliation can be considered safe. The program may lag in its understanding of personality disorders and other characterological issues associated with poor long-term outcomes, potentially creating unsafe situations for abuse survivors by subtly pressuring them towards reconciliation without adequate safeguards.
Disadvantage #8: Concerns Regarding “Nouthetic Counselors” Among Experts. Reviewing the expert list (https://www.divorcecare.org/startagroup/experts) reveals that while some are highly qualified (e.g., Leslie Vernick, Dr. Craig Keener), several are “nouthetic counselors” or “biblical counselors.” These counselors typically lack the extensive training, licensing, ethical guidelines, and supervision of licensed professional counselors. Some nouthetic counselors may not recognize abuse as valid grounds for divorce and may pressure abuse victims to reconcile at all costs, potentially reinforcing harmful hierarchical views within marriage.
Disadvantage #9: Limited Focus on Trauma and PTSD. The curriculum lacks significant discussion of trauma, neglecting crucial topics such as identifying PTSD symptoms, which are highly relevant for individuals experiencing divorce, especially in abusive contexts.
Disadvantage #10: Co-ed Group Safety Concerns. Most DivorceCare groups are co-ed, as preferred by the founder. However, given the prevalence of intimate partner violence within Christian marriages, co-ed groups may pose safety risks. Abusive individuals, both men and women, may be present in such groups. Some individuals may hold beliefs about male authority in marriage that could minimize or excuse abusive behavior. While leader guides recommend safety precautions, these may not be sufficient to protect against individuals who disregard rules. Single-sex groups are generally recommended to mitigate these safety concerns in any divorce recovery setting.
Disadvantage #11: Limited Positive Narratives of Life-Saving Divorce. DivorceCare tends to feature interviews with individuals who were “dumped,” rather than those who initiated divorce to escape destructive situations. This can skew the narrative and underrepresent positive outcomes of “life-saving divorces” where individuals and children experience improved well-being after leaving harmful environments. While some interviewees show positive change, there’s a lack of representation of healthy divorced Christians who are grateful for leaving horrific situations.
Disadvantage #12: Controversial Session on Anger and Forgiveness. Session 3 on anger, while including valuable insights, presents some controversial aspects. While addressing uncontrolled anger is important, the session may inadvertently discourage healthy anger in response to abuse or betrayal. It’s appropriate to have negative views and limit contact with individuals who have caused harm. The curriculum’s “nouthetic counseling” influence may discourage “calling a spade a spade” and promote “sin-leveling,” which can be detrimental in abuse situations. Furthermore, the program may oversimplify forgiveness, not fully acknowledging that forgiveness after prolonged betrayal and abuse is a process that takes time and involves acknowledging the depth of harm.
Final Thoughts on Leading DivorceCare
Would I lead DivorceCare again? Yes, if requested by my pastor, I would consider it. However, it’s crucial for facilitators to adapt the curriculum, prepare participants for potentially challenging sessions like Sessions 3 and 12, offer balanced perspectives, and encourage open discussion and disagreement. A dissertation by a Lutheran pastor (https://scholar.csl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1049&context=dmin, p. 151-152) provides recommendations for adapting DivorceCare to enhance its balance and inclusivity.
Alternative Options for Divorce Recovery Groups:
Another excellent option for divorce support groups is the book Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends (https://amzn.to/3qaUtKH #ad). This resource offers 22 weeks of material, avoids shaming abuse victims, and is suitable for individuals with or without a faith background. Leaders can easily integrate Bible verses and prayer to create a faith-based group using this book.
For leaders seeking a more comprehensive guide, my book, The Life-Saving Divorce (https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr #Ad Paperback: https://amzn.to/3cF1j25 Or Kindle: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr), offers insights gained from years of leading divorce recovery groups. It addresses common misconceptions about divorce and provides resources, including free study guides and videos (https://lifesavingdivorce.com/bookstudy/).
A valuable follow-up curriculum is Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend (https://amzn.to/3o0Qy0a #ad), with a companion workbook (https://amzn.to/3q493DF #ad) that requires the Boundaries book or Kindle version.
Seeking Support and Clarity?
Join the private Facebook group, “Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians,” for faith-based support and community.
Explore The Life-Saving Divorce book for guidance on spiritual abuse and divorce in Christian contexts: Paperback: https://amzn.to/3cF1j25 or eBook: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr.
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